There are situations that we find ourselves in throughout life that totally throw our lives in a tailspin. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad, sometimes both. But most of the time, we don’t see what’s headed our way.
The LORD replied, “Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days- You would not believe it if you were told.” – Habakkuk 1:5
I have breast cancer.
I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.
Even there Your hand will guide me, and Your strength will support me. – Psalm 139:10
No other word can adequately describe how that sentence makes me feel. Still, after dwelling on it for several weeks. I wish I could say that I saw it coming. That I was prepared for the diagnosis. But truthfully, while I knew it could be cancer, I never really thought it would be cancer. And yet, here I am, a 35 year old mom of 3 with breast cancer.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11
Of course, God is not stunned by this news. No, not only did He see it coming, He, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated it. There is nothing that is without a purpose. I may not can see it clearly, but that’s not important. I only have to embrace it, embrace Him and pray that I don’t let my fear and anxiety squander this opportunity.
Know that the LORD is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise, give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the LORD is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations. – Psalm 100:3-5
Do I have fear and anxiety? Most definitely. It consumes me some days. I have moments when I ask, “Why me? Why now?”. I even have uttered those words that every parent hates to hear, “But it’s not fair!”. And I’m quickly hit with the fact that no, it’s not fair that I have cancer. I deserve so much worse. So, so much worse. My righteousness is nothing but filthy rags. Every day of my 35 years has been a gift straight out of the grace of God that I didn’t deserve. How can I complain about this?
Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up. – Psalm 71:20
Before you think I have arrived spiritually and have this all figured out, let me be the first to tell you otherwise. I spend a good portion of my waking hours fighting my flesh. Playing the “what if” game. Swimming in a sea of self-pity and doubt, rather than standing on the promises of God. But those moments when I really just let it go and immerse myself in the presence of a loving Father give me strength to fight the battle with myself. That and the overwhelming amount of prayers that are said on my behalf every day.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with My victorious right hand. – Isaiah 41:10
I am so weak. But in my weakness, I know that He is strong. I’m trying to learn to let Him be strong for me. All the time. Because I certainly can’t do this on my own. And He doesn’t expect me too. He doesn’t want me to. There are so many lessons to be learned through this. I pray that I’m receptive to them and grow closer to Him everyday.
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. – 2 Corinthians 4:18
There have been so many times in the past several weeks that God has sent encouragement my way. Through His word, His people, His Spirit. Through mundane, everyday things. God is so good. So, so good. He provides just what I need, just when I need it. In such a real way, I could reach out and touch it.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. – James 1:2-3
I seriously doubt this diagnosis will be the worst news we hear through all this. I fully expect it to get worse before it gets better. I have thought since the beginning that God was going to pull all the “safety nets” out from under us. So that there is nothing for us to cling to but Him. So that there’s no way I can “plan” my way out of it. So He can get all the glory that should be all His anyway.
Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because GOD, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down, He won’t leave you. – Deuteronomy 31:6-8
I don’t know how often I’ll update this. I don’t want to document every little whine that I have, but I want this to be a journal of these life-changing circumstances. And I certainly don’t think it’s a coincidence that I have this little space here, just waiting for the words to be written. If you pray, I would definitely appreciate it if you would pray for me, my family, and the medical staff we will be dealing with in the coming months. If you don’t pray, my prayer for you is that you come to know My Savior, who gives me hope when I can’t find any, strength when I am at my weakest, and peace that is beyond all understanding.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. – Psalm 27:13-14