Thursday, August 22, 2013

Though You Slay Me

Sit down, I'm posting two days in a row!

I'm kind of obsessed with YouTube right now.  Not much on television worth watching in the summer, well, ever really, but even more so in the summer, so I watch a lot of YouTube.  I came across this today, and sat and had a deep, ugly, soul-cleansing cry. The song itself is absolutely beautiful and powerful on its own, but when you add John Piper's message over it, it's the kind of thing that will break you. In the best way possible.

Please, please take the time to watch this...

I'm including the link, just in case the imbedded video doesn't work...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Treatment #2

Yesterday, I had my second chemo treatment of six (only 4 more to go!). I feel very blessed to thus far not have had any severe side effects.  The nausea has been minimal, which is such an answered prayer! My hair is leaving at a quite rapid pace now, but I think we are all handling that pretty well.  I try not to dwell on it, but then I'm not having to look at it all day either.  But Burge and the kids do have to look at it all day, and they are being very supportive.  I go back and forth about whether I should just go ahead and shave it off.  I feel like that might be a bit traumatic, but at the same time I think it might be easier to just go ahead and get it over with instead of constantly having to clean up the hair that's falling out.

The main thing I'm dealing with is just tiredness.  All these drugs just zap all the energy out of my body. And then add to that the massive steroid shot I take before they give me the chemo drugs, and I don't sleep much, which just adds to the tiredness.  Fortunately, we are blessed to have my parents right up the road, ready to jump in whenever we need them, and an amazing church family and friends who are providing us yummy food and lots of cards and prayers and basically anything else we need!

That's the update on the physical side of things.  Now on to the emotional and mental side.  I have good moments and bad moments, as expected. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have cancer.  I have cancer.  It just seems so weird to even say. Still, after almost a year.  Cancer is such a strange dichotomy.  Last year, I thought I was healthy.  I felt healthy, yet I had this cancer in my body, killing me from the inside out.  This year, though I've had the cancer taken out, I'm taking ALL this medicine to make me healthy, but it makes me feel bad and very decidedly unhealthy. Weirdness.

So, yeah, I have many "Woe is me" moments, but then I have moments where I'm just in awe and brought to my knees humbled that God would trust me to go through this trial.  I know that sounds really odd and I'll do my best to explain what I mean. There is no doubt that God is in complete control of this universe and everything in it, including little ol' me.  Therefore, He gave me this cancer or allowed it to happen to me, however you want to look at it (I'm not going to get in a debate over semantics.  He is sovereign, so however you want to word it, I have cancer because it is in His plan. Period.).  And nothing is EVER without purpose, so it goes without saying that through this trial, He plans to teach me something, or my family or YOU (most likely, all of the above)! And He chose me, totally unworthy, wretched ME, to work His plans through.  That's about the most awe-inspiring and humbling thing EVER!

I try to hang on to that knowledge during my pity party moments.  I am so, so thankful that His mercies are new every day, and that He is going to give me the strength I need to get through this one day. I don't have to worry about getting through tomorrow because He's going to give me strength and mercy for that when the time comes.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other, that's all I need to think about.

Now that I've rambled on and on, if you're still with me, I want to close this with a song that has become my prayer lately.  I'll print the lyrics if you can't watch the video, although you really should because the song is excellent!




"Let the Waters Rise"
Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in
And I try, but I can't control my fear, where do I go from here?
Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willing to go where You want me to and God, I trust You

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

I will swim in the deep 'cause You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God, You know where I've been, and You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again, I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

God, Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I'm holding onto You
God, Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow You

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You