The main thing I'm dealing with is just tiredness. All these drugs just zap all the energy out of my body. And then add to that the massive steroid shot I take before they give me the chemo drugs, and I don't sleep much, which just adds to the tiredness. Fortunately, we are blessed to have my parents right up the road, ready to jump in whenever we need them, and an amazing church family and friends who are providing us yummy food and lots of cards and prayers and basically anything else we need!
That's the update on the physical side of things. Now on to the emotional and mental side. I have good moments and bad moments, as expected. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have cancer. I have cancer. It just seems so weird to even say. Still, after almost a year. Cancer is such a strange dichotomy. Last year, I thought I was healthy. I felt healthy, yet I had this cancer in my body, killing me from the inside out. This year, though I've had the cancer taken out, I'm taking ALL this medicine to make me healthy, but it makes me feel bad and very decidedly unhealthy. Weirdness.
So, yeah, I have many "Woe is me" moments, but then I have moments where I'm just in awe and brought to my knees humbled that God would trust me to go through this trial. I know that sounds really odd and I'll do my best to explain what I mean. There is no doubt that God is in complete control of this universe and everything in it, including little ol' me. Therefore, He gave me this cancer or allowed it to happen to me, however you want to look at it (I'm not going to get in a debate over semantics. He is sovereign, so however you want to word it, I have cancer because it is in His plan. Period.). And nothing is EVER without purpose, so it goes without saying that through this trial, He plans to teach me something, or my family or YOU (most likely, all of the above)! And He chose me, totally unworthy, wretched ME, to work His plans through. That's about the most awe-inspiring and humbling thing EVER!
I try to hang on to that knowledge during my pity party moments. I am so, so thankful that His mercies are new every day, and that He is going to give me the strength I need to get through this one day. I don't have to worry about getting through tomorrow because He's going to give me strength and mercy for that when the time comes. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other, that's all I need to think about.
Now that I've rambled on and on, if you're still with me, I want to close this with a song that has become my prayer lately. I'll print the lyrics if you can't watch the video, although you really should because the song is excellent!